In 2014 I dropped out of sight.
I believed I would never write another blog post again.
I’ve been struggling with major clinical depression. This cloud began taking me down in mid 2013. It was triggered by a culmination of the following events, sort of in order.
(this is where it might be good to note that you are getting the condensed version)
The events were……… selling my Real Estate Brokerage that I’d built from scratch (self funded), getting a divorce that brought great harm to my little boy, losing a brother, and both parents (all three passed), losing some of my dearest very best friends and other beloved people through ….. (um… I’m still not sure why, but the hole in my heart remains), struggling with and beating breast cancer, giving up my lifeline called OneWorld Roller Derby ( I took an idea in my kitchen which grew to having 100 skaters in just three years- again self funded. $30,000 loss but worth every cent) while hearing rumors about people thinking I’m weak, or a bully, or this or that, things that shouldn’t matter so much but did, then….. ultimate financial devastation and complete isolation.
I started to believe, then fully believed, that there was something terribly wrong with me, something that everyone else could see but not myself.
The above, combined with avoidance of enduring many years of Domestic Violence / childhood depression, Fleeing from a spouse with a gun into homelessness with 911 helping me and two babies out of the house safely and into my car, where we lived until I went back to school along with ignorance about complex PTSD, took me away from the world this past year. It took me all the way down, emotionally, spiritually, physically and completely.
As I’m beginning to emerge from the darkness, here is what I’m beginning to see.
- I have to make changes and dig deep to venture back out into the world.
- I’m a survivor. I have been and will again be a warrior. I CAN keep moving, keep inspiring people to have hope (which in turn gives me hope), and shining light on people who inspire me.
Thank you Universe. Thanks for showing me the way to find help, therapy, and medication to help manage the aftermath of some pretty crappy stuff and for helping me believe that I can climb out of this black hole of depression and trauma.
Thank you, my guardian angel Rick Rogers for picking me up off the floor way more times than any one person should have to pick up another and still loving / believing in me when I could no longer love or believe in myself.
Thank you family of Rick Rogers for embracing me and accepting me, you are my new family.
Thank you my beautiful daughters and amazing son for never writing me off and for being the strong, sensitive and caring human beings that you are. All three of you inspire me each day. Thank you Sweet Melbie for letting me be your earth mom, I’ll try to be a better mom, you deserve so much more.
Thank you Jerry Seltzer for always caring, and thanks to each and every derby over 40 skaters, zebras and advocates for sharing the pain and glory of your real lives as warriors.
Thank you Barbara Dolan – Derby Lite Queen, you made me hopeful in one short conversation, your kind words mattered more than you will ever know.
Thank you everyone who has given me so many words of encouragement, comfort and kindness over the years.
And Also, I am, for the first time in my life, thanking myself for pulling through and realizing that giving up is not an option.
This time I plan to keep standing and will still try to make a difference, I’m seeing a small ray of sunlight at the top of the window.
Derby Freakin Love.