This blog started out as a way to talk about the most extraordinary sport IN the world WITH the world (Roller Derby of course), and at the suggestion of a friend it has morphed into a way for me to process and share my experience with breast cancer.
This post was written last March 6th 2012 but I see I never got around to publishing it.
When I found out that I had masses in my left breast I was surprised at my lack of reaction to the point of detachment. I truly didn’t feel anything or care. I’d survived my first mastectomy just fine. The fact that I was detached took gladly and didn’t know if it was a coping skill or real acceptance; it didn’t matter. I still don’t know which it was but I do know that I no longer feel that way as I approach November 6th at 9:30 am when I have my 2nd mastectomy.
What we know and what we feel aren’t always the same things. What I know is that it doesn’t matter at all if I have breasts or not, but what I feel is that I’m growing older and have moments of insecurity about my identity as a woman. I also know that the feelings come and go; when I keep the positive behaviors in place such as running, skating, being productive and staying on task it is overall a much better way to live. Shouldn’t it be this way always? Why should having this upcoming surgery make it any different?
As the moments are coming and going more frequently now, I think I’ve narrowed down the culprit which really isn’t about my identity or even about breasts or cancer. My sadness lies in the belief that I won’t wake up from the surgery. OK.. I KNOW this is not rational thinking but until now it hasn’t really even been a conscious thought. What I KNOW is that I will be back on skates in January coaching at the Bellevue Parks and skating on a team. What I feel is heartbreak when I see people sweating the small stuff,treating each other unkindly, or taking one another for granted. Don’t they realize that we are here together and how precious time is? Why would anyone go out of their way to spread rumors about someone else? I don’t understand how people can speculate about what someone else is thinking then ACCEPT THAT AS FACT.
Sometimes people speculate about what they would do if they know they only had so much time to be here, but the reality is that we should have this awareness each and every day; not out of morbid thinking or doom and gloom but to really try make a difference for each other wheile we are here.
I think the difficulty for me personally, lies in that I do have this awareness each and every day of my life, which sometimes isn’t the best thing. The biggest mystery in the world to me is why people choose FEAR, which to me is anything other than strength, health or love.
If we work together in this small world to make it a better place we will get SO much further. If I give $1 to a crazy person on the street, go out of my way to tell someone that they are important, be a good sport, share what I know, start a team, a league, a circuit, a movement, gain MOMENTUM it comes down to why I think we are here at all. We’re just here to spread the love. Let’s make it easy for each other to do so and move forward with open hearts and minds.
Oh, and it is ok to want to obliterate your opponent if it is done legally, fairly and without intent to injure. 🙂
I do love it here.