Watching it unfold

The strangest thing about my experience with breast cancer and the subsequent events is that I’m oddly detached from the outcome.

I don’t even know if I’ve posted on my blog since my return to the hospital with an infection of cellulitis and staph, but to recap I was there for 6 days with IV antibiotics, fever and insane pain levels. After they sent me home with oral antibiotics I began feeling better my 3rd day home. This was when I realized that it was the first time I wasn’t in agony since the mastectomy and insertion of the tissue expander.

Last week I went back to the infectious disease doctor who told me that the infection was still there and if it “got worse” I’d need to have the expander removed immediately.

Now I’m out of town for a much needed trip with my boys. The thing is, the pain is returning and I’m watching the redness creep over to the other side (the original breast). Since I’ve been here the redness under the expander / reconstructed breast has remained about the same but has increased on my breastbone and I’m scrutinizing it, trying to decide if it is worse or just something that I’m imagining.

The truth is that I think it is worse. Not bad enough to rush home, but I don’t know how long to give it. There will be no more rounds of antibiotics, I’ve had them all.

What I’ve also come to realize is that I care more about getting this over with and having my life back more than I care about having a breast. My agenda is clearly to be well in time for ROLLERCON and to be able to coach my classes on skates. Being able to scrimmage would be amazing but hey, I’ll take just being on skates to coach.

Honestly, I’m not worried, I’m not anxious or fearful; mainly I’m annoyed about how long it is taking to heal and am fully prepared to have a lifetime ahead of me without a breast rather than be off skates longer than I have too be.

That is what I know is my truth and I kind of like that. It is the kind of crazy that I’m happy to have. It feels good to have the agenda of enjoying / living my life be more of a priority than having nice BOOBS.

There ya have it.


About thehotflashseattle

I'm a person who found derby at JUST the right time in my life to give me hope, make me stronger and experience something that had been waiting for me all these years! My mightiest goal is to mainstream the sport of roller derby. My selfish goal is to help other people find ways to skate,connect and inspire each other to get back on track when they begin to slip off and help them up when they fall. Doing this helps me believe that there are others ready to do the same for me. In 2012 I had four surgeries, two of which were mastectomies and now at 57 I'm cancer free and back on track. Three years ago on this profile I claimed not to be a "great" coach but wanted to share what I knew. I am revising that statement at this time because I have figured out that I'm a survivor, a warrior and a damn good coach! I am the founder of OneWorld Roller Derby in the Greater Seattle area. We are sharing our resources to help other leagues form and we're creating a circuit that is coming together utilizing USA Roller Sports as a common link. We are bring roller derby to schools, colleges, parks departments and community centers across the US. Helping each other through the pack is what makes life work for me. In the world we get knocked down, get back up, reset and help each other through the pack. We look ahead for the holes to jump through. We gain momentum to find the endurance we need to be able to make it around the track one more time even when we don't think we can. Derby = life = Derby; It's all the same game to me.
This entry was posted in Breast Cancer, Fitness, Hope, Inspiration, Mastectomy, Reconstruction, Roller Derby, skating enthusiast, Sports. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Watching it unfold

  1. Sheri says:

    Love you, lady! And don’t take chances…. As soon as you get home, talk to the dr about a picc line, like my husband had installed….may be what you need! Oxoxoxoxo

  2. Yeah, and thank you Sheri.. I love you too! I hope that your hubby is feeling better. How WEIRD is it that we had the same thing happen, in and out of the hospital on the same days. I have to say I’m getting a little weary of it and ready to just let it go. Thats all I need is to have it turn into something worse. There is WAY too much to do!

  3. Sheri says:

    Weird is right! Enjoy the rest of your trip with your family…and see you when you get back. Hubby is doing better and the stuff he has to inject every day seems to be doing the trick! OX

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