The strangest thing about my experience with breast cancer and the subsequent events is that I’m oddly detached from the outcome.
I don’t even know if I’ve posted on my blog since my return to the hospital with an infection of cellulitis and staph, but to recap I was there for 6 days with IV antibiotics, fever and insane pain levels. After they sent me home with oral antibiotics I began feeling better my 3rd day home. This was when I realized that it was the first time I wasn’t in agony since the mastectomy and insertion of the tissue expander.
Last week I went back to the infectious disease doctor who told me that the infection was still there and if it “got worse” I’d need to have the expander removed immediately.
Now I’m out of town for a much needed trip with my boys. The thing is, the pain is returning and I’m watching the redness creep over to the other side (the original breast). Since I’ve been here the redness under the expander / reconstructed breast has remained about the same but has increased on my breastbone and I’m scrutinizing it, trying to decide if it is worse or just something that I’m imagining.
The truth is that I think it is worse. Not bad enough to rush home, but I don’t know how long to give it. There will be no more rounds of antibiotics, I’ve had them all.
What I’ve also come to realize is that I care more about getting this over with and having my life back more than I care about having a breast. My agenda is clearly to be well in time for ROLLERCON and to be able to coach my classes on skates. Being able to scrimmage would be amazing but hey, I’ll take just being on skates to coach.
Honestly, I’m not worried, I’m not anxious or fearful; mainly I’m annoyed about how long it is taking to heal and am fully prepared to have a lifetime ahead of me without a breast rather than be off skates longer than I have too be.
That is what I know is my truth and I kind of like that. It is the kind of crazy that I’m happy to have. It feels good to have the agenda of enjoying / living my life be more of a priority than having nice BOOBS.
There ya have it.