The first week after my surgery was pretty much agony and now I’m hearing the funny stories about how I acted around people who were here to help tend to my recovery; I don’t remember much.
After hitting on a medication that took things from agony to extreme discomfort I was very relieved. I can handle moderate to extreme discomfort which in and of itself) reminds me to be thankful that I’m not in agony.
Now I’m wading through my piles of work and trying to understand how to get the rest that I need. Am I thankful? …. yes. Am I optimistic?…95% of the time.
This moment is the 5% of the time that I feel sad. I’m allowing this time because a lot has happened here. I don’t know how I will avoid growing this disease again though I know that to worry is not the answer. I don’t know why my internet is slow or why my faxes won’t go through or how to hook up my son’s television. I don’t know how I’ll pay my bills without a “poor me I have cancer fundraiser” but that is a last resort.
I know I will play a part in changing peoples lives and I need to do it as fast as I can. I don’t know how or why I’m on this mission but it is the only thing that makes any sense.
I see people on the street and I think they are PRECIOUS. I know this is FK’ing WEIRD but it is true. I see the very best in people and I don’t know why I don’t see the things that other people see in one another. I don’t know sometimes if I’m cut out for this place and that scares me.
Sometimes I think that know for sure I’m not meant to grow old but who is? And why would this be bad? The truth to me is that it isn’t bad; it just is. There aren’t any rules about how long we should be here. I need to do what I can each and every day to move forward while I’m here.
I’m so sad for all of the people who are sick and struggling and I’m sad for what we all need to go through when we lose each other. I’m sad for what I’m going through and I’m working hard to be ok with sadness.
We’re all here for such a short time overall so why do people hurt each other? I don’t really know if I will ever understand this but I doubt that anyone ever will.
Tomorrow is another brand new opportunity and my guess is that I’ll be back to the 95%.
That is the coolest thing ever.