Yesterday I hit fear mode and was a wreck all day off and on.
This morning I woke up and decided that today would be different so I put on my running shoes and ran, and ran and ran. I sprinted uphill and stopped for coffee which was nice.
One of the reasons I’m sure that I manifested this illness is that somehow over the past few years and through my divorce I lost my dearest friends and family members. Some of them died, but the rest somehow went away and the reason why has never been clear to me. I know in my heart that everyone works with the tools that they’ve got and each person is doing their best.
This holds true for me too. I have an opportunity now to put the past behind me and let it go but it isn’t easy; it creates a knot in my stomach when I am reminded that I used to go to birthday parties and have holidays with other people, or be invited to other people’s homes. I was wanted somewhere; I belonged somewhere..
I’m NOT feeling sorry for myself, at least i don’t think I am.
I am really trying to have my heart be in alignment with my head & logic.
When I hear from people that I loved to the ends of the earth that they hope I get what I need from someone or that they SHOULD want to see me, or I should stop by if I am in their neighborhood it makes me tremble.
I don’t know how to move on to find the peace I need to accept that I am ok as who I am and that it doesn’t matter if I am judged without conversation or questions to the point of being out of peoples worlds.
I don’t want to dwell on the negative. I was slandered in my professional life during my divorce and what was proven to be false was never discussed; the wrong was never righted. People tell me to let it go; they are right and I try. My motto has been head high but the heartbreak has created a real cancer that is inside of me..
I want to surround myself with my new connections and my new community which isn’t the same as being invited to hang out but it is important, and beautiful.
I hope that people who walked out of my life will wish me well without reminding me that I am no longer welcome in theirs now. This is critical for my well being.
A visit in person would go a long way, but a brief message reminds me that I don’t belong and brings a knot to my stomach that makes it hard to fight this fight. This is hard because I know they are trying and I love them for that.
I want to be enlightened and embrace what I have. I am a human with flaws but I smile at the homeless and help old people across the street. I really do see the best in eveyone I meet.
I’ll never understand why the good parts don’t overrule the bad parts and if I don’t figure out how to let it go it will be the end of me.
Rather than giving up I want to rise above and help others get through this place that can be so terribly sad and isolated. That is what keeps me going because none of it makes sense and the truth is I don’t know if and where I belong.
I’ll be open to being on my knees and hearing the answers of what I need to learn here. In the meantime I will paint, play music and try not to work or worry about paying bills.
Then I’ll try to sit in the sun and listen.